Why we want to hurt the ex… and why it wont work….
We all have THAT ex that drives us crazy! The one that we miss, hate and love all at once. The one you Could NEVER go back to, but can’t quite let go of! Yes that EX, lets dig into this one shall we.
” Come on baby, make it hurt so Good” this fancy lyric of the popular Mellencamp song has a whole lot of truth to it. “THAT” ex was good at making it hurt too, we have all been there and guess what, we are human to be upset about it.
We are human to sometimes be so upset that we fly off the handle and say some pretty nasty things. Its interesting how that anger can come out of a monster you didn’t even know lived inside of you. Have you ever sent or said something, then thought… wow, that is so NOT like me… Well its often not the day to day you. Its the angry you, or at least that is initially what we think…
First of all, Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt… so The next time you find yourself in an outrage, recognize its not really anger. The ROOT is Hurt and well, we all know how bad some relationships can HURT. The anger though, comes with a mad drive to HURT the ex that hurt us… and That’s why I am writing this Article.
Not only do I have Coaching Clients day after day, call or text me about this, but I too, get to go through the human emotions of loss and pain.. YAY, isn’t it fun! Okay, I know its not fun, it Hurts. There are Some things that can help to heal faster and resolve more though and I am about to share them with you.
As stated above, Anger is a secondary emotion to feeling Hurt. Recognizing this is the Very first step. The second step is recognizing that it almost doesn’t matter what you say that is hateful or toxic acid spewing from you.. If they really cared about what you thought, felt, or had to say… you would not be in this situation anyway.
That being said, if we are hurt, and we are angry, “because” of this ex, WHY on earth would we even waste the 20 seconds to text or hours thinking and suffering about it… I know, WAYYYYYY easier said than done. BUT, you have already given your ex enough, and your ROI stinks.. So… Feel the emotions as they come to you… turn your phone off.. or text a friend all the nasty things you want to say. DO NOT send your EX the Text!
Here is why… as if it weren’t a complete waist of time in the first place…. What WE say and do is a DIRECT reflection of US not of them! Its sad to see so many amazing people spew acid from them when all they really need is a hug and some one to say ” It will be okay”… YEAH that Monster inside you is allowed to come out and you have every right to feel everything that you are feeling… but Lashing out will NOT help the situation at all and it will only prolong the length of time required to heal and work through it all.
BURN BABY BURN… That is exactly what an ended relationship is, a fire that has dwindled to nearly nothing or has gotten OUT OF CONTROL. When we lash out with anger and hurtful statements, We are adding fuel to the fire that is burning us! Its about time we stop that Huh? SOME of us are good at adding truck loads of pallets to that FIRE and others… just add one little log at a time and we do it about the time its going to burn out finally.
WHY oh WHY do we do this? Why on earth can we not just allow the darn fire to burn out and leave it behind us ? I wish there was an EASY button or easy answer but its not that simple. There are many reasons but one of the most common reasons we struggle to really let go… is because we are wired to seek safety and comfort and sadly enough… sometimes that EX that is killings us inside, is our SAFE Hell.
We go running back timidly because we ” LOVE” them but yet…. We were just fine while things were going well and we felt on top of the world… See the correlation.. We add wood to the fire when we get cold… its easier to add wood to an old fire than to start a new one… Its not that you don’t love them, its okay to love someone and leave them behind.
In ORDER to STOP the sick cycle you have to brave the cold lonely area to begin a new fire. Please don’t get confused, I am NOT saying start a new fire with someone else to get away from the old one… Start YOUR OWN DAMN FIRE!
Okay… so be hurt.. its okay… cry if you need to… type the nasty text if you must… but DO NOT send the EX the TEXT… Recognize where you are at in the stages of letting go and moving on.. and KEEP GOING!
Don’t go running back because he/she is your Safe HELL, press on and soon enough you will be living your Scary Heaven 🙂
DID this HELP? What are you Struggling with ? Comment Below!