DON’T send the EX the TEXT

Why we want to hurt the ex… and why it wont work….

We all have THAT ex that drives us crazy! The one that we miss, hate and love all at once. The one you Could NEVER go back to, but can’t quite let go of! Yes that EX, lets dig into this one shall we.

” Come on baby, make it hurt so Good” this fancy lyric of the popular Mellencamp song has a whole lot of truth to it. “THAT” ex was good at making it hurt too, we have all been there and guess what, we are human to be upset about it.

f98bfb24042584-56049326271fc-e1514511845188.pngWe are human to sometimes be so upset that we fly off the handle and say some pretty nasty things. Its interesting how that anger can come out of a monster you didn’t even know lived inside of you. Have you ever sent or said something, then thought… wow, that is so NOT like me… Well its often not the day to day you. Its the angry you, or at least that is initially what we think…

First of all, Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt… so The next time you find yourself in an outrage, recognize its not really anger. The ROOT is Hurt and well, we all know how bad some relationships can HURT.  The anger though, comes with a mad drive to HURT the ex that hurt us… and That’s why I am writing this Article.

Not only do I have Coaching Clients day after day, call or text me about this, but I too, get to go through the human emotions of loss and pain.. YAY, isn’t it fun! Okay, I know its not fun, it Hurts. There are Some things that can help to heal faster and resolve more though and I am about to share them with you.

As stated above, Anger is a secondary emotion to feeling Hurt. Recognizing this is the Very first step.  The second step is recognizing that it almost doesn’t matter what you say that is hateful or toxic acid spewing from you.. If they really cared about what you thought, felt, or had to say… you would not be in this situation anyway.broken-hearted_1_000000052563_1

That being said, if we are hurt, and we are angry, “because” of this ex, WHY on earth would we even waste the 20 seconds to text or hours thinking and suffering about it… I know, WAYYYYYY easier said than done. BUT, you have already given your ex enough, and your ROI stinks.. So… Feel the emotions as they come to you… turn your phone off.. or text a friend all the nasty things you want to say. DO NOT send your EX the Text!

Here is why… as if it weren’t a complete waist of time in the first place…. What WE say and do is a DIRECT reflection of US not of them! Its sad to see so many amazing people spew acid from them when all they really need is a hug and some one to say ” It will be okay”… YEAH that Monster inside you is allowed to come out and you have every right to feel everything that you are feeling… but Lashing out will NOT help the situation at all and it will only prolong the length of time required to heal and work through it all.

BURN BABY BURN… That is exactly what an ended relationship is, a fire that has dwindled to nearly nothing or has gotten OUT OF CONTROL. When we lash out with anger and hurtful statements, We are adding fuel to the fire that is burning us! Its about time we stop that Huh? SOME of us are good at adding truck loads of pallets to that FIRE and others… just add one little log at a time and we do it about the time its going to burn out finally.

WHY oh WHY do we do this? Why on earth can we not just allow the darn fire to burn out and leave it behind us ? I wish there was an EASY button or easy answer but its not that simple. There are many reasons but one of the most common reasons we struggle to really let go… is because we are wired to seek safety and comfort and sadly enough… sometimes that EX that is killings us inside, is our SAFE Hell.

We go running back timidly because we ” LOVE” them but yet…. We were just fine while things were going well and we felt on top of the world… See the correlation.. We add wood to the fire when we get cold… its easier to add wood to an old fire than to start a new one… Its not that you don’t love them, its okay to love someone and leave them behind.5e3c54dc93b7c58ffeeddd263ac290d2

In ORDER to STOP the sick cycle you have to brave the cold lonely area to begin a new fire. Please don’t get confused, I am NOT saying start a new fire with someone else to get away from the old one… Start YOUR OWN DAMN FIRE!

Okay… so be hurt.. its okay… cry if you need to… type the nasty text if you must… but DO NOT send the EX the TEXT… Recognize where you are at in the stages of letting go and moving on.. and KEEP GOING!

Don’t go running back because he/she is your Safe HELL, press on and soon enough you will be living your Scary Heaven 🙂

DID this HELP? What are you Struggling with ? Comment Below!

 

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The TRASH -n- SMASH

This happens to be one of my favorite subjects, so I am really excited to write on it!

              Like a lot of us, we have a handful of people around us…….. who tend to inject their bull_shittery into our heads daily. As you know when our head is full of b******* Trash, it makes it a lot harder to achieve the things we want in our life or even just to get a Moment of clarity. When so much b******* is floating around in your head it’s hard to even  concentrate or think, which can make it nearly impossible to relax. dfc0d0d56bab3e30799c72bea3b63cb0--x-rays-nurse-humorThe mass amounts of CRAP only cause more suffering, anxiety, stress… you name it! It is NOT in any way positive. {PERIOD} Keeping the Mind TRASH around ….would be like leaving all of your wrappers, beer cans, pizza boxes all over your house… Great equivalent… huh. 

So here’s my advice to you. I don’t care who it is, whether it is your mom, your brother, your husband, your wife, I don’t care who it is, do not let their b******* penetrate your head! Have your own thoughts and with your own thoughts, you do what you feel deep inside is best for you. Keep those thoughts classy not trashy…. I know some very classy people who have a garbage can for brains… takes them to a whole new level!

Yes, I would definitely recommend that you take into consideration what other people need and what you know, what your presence in the relationship is and what your level of duty is to each of those people. Consider these things to maintain that healthy relationship, however….. if it’s negative bull_shittery get them out of your head.

negative-thinkingThey are not helping you, they are not making your life any better or easier, they’re not helping you function better. I mean, I know most of you can agree that when you have a blowout argument with somebody or you’re really excited to share something and all the sudden all of the feedback you get is negative or it’s not inspiring….. it kind of like dulls our shine for that excitement! You have to admit, it doesn’t feel good and you know that because you have probably experienced it by this age in your life.

So here’s the trick get them out of your head. If you can’t get them out of your head,  then get them out of your life! If removed from your life, hopefully only for a temporary time until you build a tolerance of learning how to keep people’s b******* out of your head.  I mean literally okay, take two minutes to process whatever it is they said if it’s going to be helpful great, keep it ! However if it’s not in any way shape or form helpful or if it’s incredibly bias..bye bye, toss it aside, get rid of it! I mean literally, you can pretend you’re taking your hand to your head, grabbing that crap out of there and tossing it out the goddamn window.time-to-take-out-the-trash

When in conversation with this Negative Nelly, Just end the conversation by saying “ Thanks for sharing”! Yes, it is that EASY, then walk away!  Only when, you can achieve a state of mental Clarity, can you really put the focus of your energy into the things that are going to benefit and manifest the life you dream of having! I promise you will not achieve this as efficiently with 10 different people’s b******* floating around in your head!  They take up way too much of your mental capacity, why would you do that to yourself when you’re trying to achieve things ????

Exactly you wouldn’t, So take out the trash and get them goals set up to smash!

Own your CRAP! Let them OWN theirs!

Writen by Tineka Dawn

Dating Judgement

While I may not be the best person to speak on relationships… this has to be heard.  I was recently on an online dating platform, Plenty of Fish aka POF. While swiping mostly left, I found one that made me want to swipe right.. a keeper.. So i did, i swiped right and we began online conversation.

This guy seemed to really fit the bill for me and I even got a little bit excited about it because, well… The struggle is real to find a man that fits my bill. So he was dashing and sweet via POF messages.  Phone numbers were exchanged and text conversation began. I was persistently asked if i was fake, if my profile on POF was fake. After constant reassurance, I encouraged a telephonic call to really clear this fake/real mess up and to further evaluate connection with this gentleman.

” so like every woman on there has been fake or flaky or has disappeared. “- pof user I was talking to….  this was the first thing out of his mouth… so he went wrong starting this. IT was a complete Turn OFF out the gate of voice communication.  The negativity just poured from this guys mouth, it was down right miserable to talk to him.. until he said a few things that light my fire internally and we are not talking about a sexy fire.

As the conversation continued he said ” I should have married her two years ago when I had the chance ” .. he was referring to a woman from back east somewhere and well i only know this because ( insert sarcasm) got to listen to him talk about her A LOT.  If hearing a potential  date talk about wanting to marry a woman from his past wasn’t bad enough… he said something that not only hit home, but was like an inferno to me.

” all of the women around here ( four corners area) are completely broken, they come from broken homes, broken families, then they get married and have multiple children with multiple dads and they are just broken and worthless” – POF user.

This being said , had me pipe up quickly with steam rolling out my ears. If you don’t know me, go read my bio really quick. IF you DO know my story, you understand why this sent me straight down pissed off lane.  I Stopped him from continuing to speak, i interjected with “excuse me,  that was the most judgemental thing i have ever heard come out of anyones mouth. Just because someone comes from a effed up childhood, or broken mess of a family that does NOT mean they are broken.

While I can completely agree and rationalize the fact that most people who come from this type of life, do have some level of brazenness that they need to work through. I USED to be completely broken, i am not completely “fixed” but good graciousness i did not and no one does, deserve to be so heavily judged with such little information on the table.

I encourage all of us, to lower our judgment shields and take some time to really get to know the people who cross your path. BE patient, BE kind. Do NOT pass Judgement especially on something someone has NO control over…

Little did this guy know.. I used to be broken, I am not any more, and my children are all from my first marriage, all have the same daddy and surprise to this pof user, I am fairly successful in my life and happily a little broken.

” with out things being off or broken, what on earth would we have to work on?”- Tineka Dawn

 

When is enough, ENOUGH?

The humdinger of a question that a large number of us frequently ask ourselves. ” When is enough, enough?”  I have asked myself this question more times than I can count and let me share with you why and what came of it.

Sexually abused three times by age twelve had me asking all kinds of things. “why me?” “Is there a big arrow saying pick her?” ” maybe its just written on me?” and finally “When is enough, enough?” . Raising three children all 17 months apart in age, by myself as a single mom with three jobs and a home that seemed to always need fixing.. THIS ONE really had me asking myself , “When is enough, enough” …

Or there is the Normal hard ships of EVERYDAY life, Unexpected bills or more bills than money. Have YOU ever had a day or entire month that everything seemed to go wrong or just be plain bad all around? How about this (insert sarcasm) lovely new world of online dating? OR… those days when your kids wont listen to a single thing you say…

The list of landslides that can have us asking “when is enough, enough?” is endless really and can be applied to so much in life.  The reason for this post, is to let you in on a little something I learned through repetitiously being at this exact point in life.

So… WHEN is enough, Enough ? It is enough when you begin asking yourself that very question. Its enough when you have HAD enough. Now I am not saying to quit because “quitters never win and winners never quit” – Lisa Nichols . Rather, What I am Saying, is that we must decide that we have had enough and that we must do something different to get a different result.

TURN DEFEAT into DETERMINATION

Enough is when you get to the point that ” SOMETHINGS GOT TO GIVE”, that is our most powerful moment. In this moment, we are motivated to change something, anything and sometimes EVERYTHING.  The change may be huge or may be tiny, but change is growth and the best way to grow is to be uncomfortable.

SO if we have reached this uncomfortable moment when enough is enough, we have a very powerful negative feeling right? This feeling is bad and we are about to turn it good, and even better lets turn that feeling into a great one. Here is how, Take that powerful feeling of Defeat and turn it into Determination!

Get Determined and make the changes you need to make. Take that discomfort and instead of seeking being comforted, use it as leverage to grow away from the negative things that cause the discomfort in the first place. This is the moment we stop putting band-aids on our wounds and we HEAL them.

Feeling determined yet ? If the answer is YES but you are not sure where to go next, you can sign up for personal coaching or reserve a seat today to my next event.

For more completely free tid bits check out my other blogs or my YouTube channel.

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